


Public Relations Nightmare

by ughiguess



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Humor, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-05
Updated: 2018-05-05
Packaged: 2019-05-02 12:04:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14544336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ughiguess/pseuds/ughiguess
Summary: Thor and Loki never really stopped being Viking space princes, Tony and Steve need them to at least try to hide it.





	Public Relations Nightmare

In a nondescript conference room in Avengers Tower, two Norse gods sat in chairs across from a standing Tony Stark and Steve Rogers who was leaning against the wall a little behind him.

"Okay, it's not a big deal, I called this meeting," started Tony.

" _We_ called this meeting," said Steve.

"Because we need to get on the same page about some things. The Avengers have a certain image we need to talk about," Tony continued.

"Where is Barton?" interrupted Thor.

"What?" asked Tony.

"It is Avengers business, should not the whole team be here?" asked Thor.

"And Banner?" asked Loki.

"They got a memo," said Tony.

"No they didn't," said Loki firmly.

"I told you not to pull that on me, God of Polygraphs," said Tony.

"Then tell the truth. We're the only ones here. Why?"

"We're concerned you're making us look... " here Tony searched for the right word then continued, "Like it or not, we're all over the internet, newspapers, TV. Earth's mightiest heroes can't be seen to be... provocative."

"Provocative? Then where's Romanoff? Her little cat suit _provokes_ me," snarked Loki as Thor nodded in agreement.

"It's more a matter of acclimating to the modern world," said Tony.

"The modern world?" asked Thor. "Loki and I are not the only ones who need that. I'm sure I heard _him_ call a waitress 'little lady' the other day."

"That was an accident," said Steve, quickly, straightening up and moving forward.

Tony held up a hand to silence him and carried on, " _He's_ the least of our problems, compared to him, you guys are like cavemen."

"You need to be careful about how you present yourselves," said Steve. "I know you're used to fighting hard and dirty and sometimes we need that, but maybe," here he sighed and his expression turned a little wary. "Try not to look like you enjoy it so much."

There was a silence in the room as Thor blinked and Loki seethed.

"I'm not saying you _like_ killing people... maybe I didn't mean to say 'enjoy.' "

Steve was attempting to clarify but Loki cut him off, jumping to his feet and yelling,"Of course we enjoy it! Anyone who tells you they don't feel satisfaction killing a man who's trying to kill them is a liar! We've been killing since longboats sailed your seas. It's a talent! A talent you don't mind calling upon when things get a little out of hand. This is the height of hypocrisy!" Loki turned to leave but Tony caught him.

"We're not done yet."

Loki, fuming, slouched back into his chair.

"Thor?" asked Steve.

"There is great glory to be found in battle. The heat and frenzy is intoxicating. It is exhilarating, the thrill of dispatching villains to Hel. We've been taught all our lives that the greatest honor is to die in battle and be taken to Valhalla where we join the ranks of the glorious dead."

"Look, whatever," said Tony dismissively. "Think that if you want but the point is, there's things we don't say anymore. For example, Thor, don't use the phrase 'glorious dead', you only see that on confederate war memorials. And I know this is more Cap's area but Loki, you can't say 'fuck' on television. That thing last week... the FCC has me on speed dial because of you."

"All I said was-"

"We know what you said and the context doesn't make it any better," Steve pre-empted. "A reporter asked you what you were going to do after the battle and you said you were going to, and I quote, 'find a woman and f-word her up against a tavern wall'."

"Yes, well, when I said it, it sounded much more elegant," said Loki.

"Elegant?" said Steve tightly, raising a skeptical brow.

"For one thing, I said it in a cape. Come on, you're wearing denim, there's really no comparison," said Loki petulantly.

"What the hell was that, anyway? Who says stuff like that?" asked Tony.

"I didn't imply she wouldn't be enjoying herself!" started Loki. But Thor took over for him.

"Loki was only saying what we all know, after the heat of the battle…" he raised his hands as if to say 'it's inevitable.' He turned to Tony to make his appeal, "Stark, you come home to Pepper, doesn't she want you to..." He trailed off suggestively.

"What are you talking about? Shower, she wants me to shower."

"You mean you don't do that?" asked Thor, genuinely confused now. Tony and Steve just stood there uncomfortably.

"Oh, you're missing out!" Loki laughed.

"We're getting off track, the point is we can't afford to look callous, it's not what people want from their heroes," Steve started but Tony interrupted him again.

"Actually, I'd like to stay on that track a little longer because while we're at it, my tower is not a hotel you rent rooms in by the hour. Reporters watch this place, you know. So shut down the revolving door of women in mini dresses that leaves here nearly every morning." He was looking between the scoffing brothers as he said this but then his focus turned strictly to Loki when he said, "And the same goes for your harem up in 1503 you think I don't know about."

"Three college girls from NYU hardly constitutes a harem," said Loki shaking his head and smiling (Thor was muttering something about six being a minimum). "And they are merely staying for the summer until classes start again."

"I'm sure its all very wholesome, they're pretty much nuns are they?" asked Tony sarcastically.

"Well, acolytes, perhaps," smiled Loki, fondly.

"He _is_ a God," said Thor agreeably.

"I seriously hope you two don't use that to pull chicks," said Tony.

"When it stops working, we'll stop using it," reasoned Loki.

"Ugh," said Steve and Tony together.

"I was kidding," said Loki. "I've got my silver tongue for that."

"Then use your silver tongue to do some PR!" shouted Tony. There was a moment of silence.

"Anything else?" asked Thor.

Steve was looking reluctant but spoke up, saying, "Well, since you mention it, maybe a little less blood next time."

"Less blood? It is a battle, not a garden party!" exclaimed Thor.

"You're fine actually, Thor," said Steve. "Look, mostly we're trying to rehabilitate your image, Loki. We need something that can actually air on the news. It would be nice to have a little footage now and then of you maybe punching a bad guy rather than throwing a dagger straight into his throat."

"You're coming off a little stabby," added Tony.

"Stabby?" Loki said with disdain and continued sarcastically, "I'll work on that. Can we go now?"

"Fine, just try to remember what we talked about okay?" said Steve.

"Absolutely, of course," said Thor jovially as he and Loki rose and made their way toward to door. Tony and Steve weren't convinced.

"What have you got for the rest of the day?" asked Tony.

"I was going to spar with some of the tactical team. Teach them some moves," said Thor.

"Loki?"

"Are you keeping tabs on us now?" asked Loki. Neither Tony nor Steve said anything so he continued, "In that case, I'm going to visit my harem. Unless you'd rather I went to Central Park and saved a few cats from trees?"

With that he and Thor departed leaving Tony and Steve to look at each other uncertainly.

"Remember when I was the team bad boy?"

"Yep, those were the days."

**Author's Note:**

> This is a plot bunny from something else I'm working on. It ended up being pretty self contained, so I thought I would post it.


End file.
